2.9 – The 3 Distortions That Shape the Emotional Self

How emotional chaos, invalidation, and distorted values form the False Self

Not all harm looks like violence.

Sometimes it looks like confusion.

Sometimes it looks like being called dramatic,

or being asked to smile while your body is shutting down.

Sometimes it’s not what happened.

It’s what never got seen.

This section names the 3 most common emotional distortions that shape the false self.

Not as pathology—but as survival logic.

2.9.1 – Growing Up Around Emotionally Unpredictable Adults

When your nervous system learns to scan, not feel

As a child, you didn’t just observe your caregivers—you absorbed them.

If they were chaotic, intense, or unpredictable…

your body learned:

“I need to track

them

me.

Love became surveillance.

Safety became hypervigilance.

Your emotions got put aside so you could manage theirs.

This is the distortion of self-abandonment:

• You feel other people’s moods before your own
• You anticipate danger in small shifts
• You confuse closeness with emotional alertness

You weren’t unstable.

You were adapting to instability.

2.9.2 – Emotional Invalidation: When Being Yourself Was Never Safe

When your truth was ignored, minimized, or punished

Maybe you were called sensitive.

Maybe they said you were lying.

Maybe they just… never asked how you felt.

This is the distortion of self-doubt:

• You learn to suppress your instincts
• You second-guess your feelings
• You become “reasonable” to be acceptable

Over time, you internalize this message:

“My feelings aren’t real unless someone else agrees.”

That’s not clarity. That’s trauma.

And it’s how the false self begins to replace the emotional one.

2.9.3 – Being Raised Around Adults with a Distorted Value System

When control, appearance, or performance mattered more than connection

Some adults demand obedience.

Others demand perfection.

Some never say it—but only approve of you when you play the role they recognize.

This is the distortion of performative worth:

• You associate love with achievement
• You confuse control with strength
• You believe being chosen means being good enough

These value systems don’t shape character.

They shape ego.

You become a mirror of what they wanted—

not a reflection of who you are.

What These 3 Distortions Create

Together, they form the emotional terrain where the False Self grows:

• Self-abandonment
• Self-doubt
• Performative worth

None of them are your fault.

All of them are reversible.

But only when we name what shaped us.

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This is a place for people who care—about dignity, about repair, about building something better. We believe emotions are real knowledge. That clarity and safety should be universal. That healing shouldn't require perfection. Here, we grow. Together.

The Emotional Gradient Blueprint (TEG-Blue™) © 2025 by Anna Paretas

Licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 4.0

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