When someone's values sound right—but their actions don’t match
What This Tool Reveals
Many people say the right things: empathy, kindness, growth, love.
But words don’t always align with patterns.
This tool helps you see when someone’s claimed values
are not showing up in their actual behavior.
Not to shame.
But to protect your clarity.
Note for therapists and practitioners: If you find the Gradient Scales helpful in your work, you’re welcome to use them—but please cite The Emotional Blueprint (TEG-Blue) as the source. These tools were born from lived experience—specifically, the process of surviving and making sense of severe narcissistic abuse. They took time, clarity, and deep emotional labor to create. Thank you for honoring that.
Value Alignment
When behavior and belief match
This is integrity. Even when it’s hard.
What it looks like:
- Practices what they preach—even when no one’s watching
- Admits mistakes and makes amends
- Stays kind and accountable in conflict
- Lives their values through everyday choices
Self-awareness: ✅
Self-reflection: ✅
You don’t have to guess who they are.
Their actions speak clearly.
It’s emotional maturity in motion.
Conditional Alignment
Here, the values are real—but fragile.
What it looks like:
- Talks about empathy—but disappears when you need care
- Values honesty—but hides truths that make them uncomfortable
- Apologizes—then repeats the same patterns
- Wants to grow—but resists feedback
Self-awareness: ⚠️ Limited
Self-reflection: ✅ Possible with effort
This isn’t malice.
It’s emotional immaturity trying to hold onto goodness.
Performed Alignment
When values are used as a mask
This is when someone weaponizes emotional language
to appear good—while avoiding real accountability.
What it looks like:
- Uses healing language to shut down your pain
- Quotes values in public—but violates them in private
- Projects blame while performing vulnerability
- Claims growth while punishing you for speaking up
Self-awareness: 🟠 Often unaware of the harm—
but aware enough to hide it when needed
Self-reflection: ❌ Used only to maintain a moral image
This isn’t integrity.
It’s emotional dishonesty disguised as healing.
Remorseless Betrayal
When values are used to dominate or deflect
People in Tyrant Mode don’t just fall short of their values.
They use values as tools of control, moral authority, or manipulation.
What it looks like:
- Preaches kindness while justifying cruelty
- Uses social justice or healing language to silence dissent
- Demands loyalty and forgiveness without giving either
- Shames or punishes those who speak up
- Holds others to values they don’t live themselves
Self-awareness: ✅ High—manages image while maintaining power
Self-reflection: ❌ None—reflection threatens control
This isn’t contradiction.
It’s remorseless betrayal dressed as virtue.
These Modes Exist on a Gradient
Everyone fails their values sometimes.
But integrity is shown through repair—not performance.
This scale helps you track not just what someone says—
but how they respond when it’s inconvenient.
How to Use This Tool
Ask:
- Do their actions consistently reflect their words?
- Do they show integrity under pressure—or just when it’s easy?
- Are their values a compass—or a costume?
You don’t have to argue with words.
Just watch what they do.
Notes for Neurodivergent Folks
If you value honesty and clarity,
you may take words at face value.
This tool helps you hold both:
- What they say
- What they show
Behavior is the real belief system.
Final Words
True values don’t disappear under pressure.
They reveal themselves in it.
Let this tool remind you:
You deserve to be around people whose love, empathy, and care
aren’t just spoken—but lived.
The Emotional Gradient Blueprint (TEG-Blue) © 2025 by Anna Paretas
Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0
This is a living document. Please cite responsibly.
www.blueprint.emotionalblueprint.org ┃ annaparetas@emotionalblueprint.org